Silence.
All he ever heard.
All he ever knew.
And so,
Silent
He became.
A brother of the wind.
A kinsman of the shadow.
Silence.
He abides in the void,
Allied by two.
His bow,
And his quiver.
Twenty-one arrows,
Sharp,
Cunning,
Beautiful.
Each one,
A tear,
Shed in times long past.
In days,
Before.
Before.
One word,
One thousand memories.
Felicity.
Freedom.
Love.
Hope.
All felt,
Before.
But then,
It came.
A plague of sorrow,
Exclusive,
To him,
And to her.
A moment of death.
A lifetime,
Of pain.
And so there he stood.
A ranger in the night.
Hearing none,
But the silence.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,819 Reviews
I have to say that it is a bit confusing. Where did the girl come from and what was he supposed to be doing in the shadows? Other than those small obstacles, I understood it. I especially like the 4th stanza.
I'm not going to nitpick--there's nothing to nitpick, actually! There were few words, but it was a beautiful poem. Lovely flow and everything. I saw a lack of descriptive words, however, and I think you should add a few more for depth. I really like this poem--other than adding a few descriptive words, it was excellent!!!
-x-Ashes
Even though there were very few words, I felt I could picture what you were talking about. However, I still felt it was a little choppy in some places. You might want to add in a few more descriptors or detail, just to make it a little deeper or give it some more background. My favorite line was "A brother of the wind" and I feel that if you use more lines like that it will make your poem even better than it already is. Great job though :]
I'm in agreence with Vernon. He took the words right out my mouth.
Well even amazing writers mess up now and again. I'm sorry to say this happened for ya:
I don't like the repetiton of All and A. Nor how ya start, it doesn't hook me. The best lines the longest two. I'd suggest working these into a rewrite where you change this into a less one word a line poem.
Sorry, I'm tearing this apart, but my main problem with this verse is quiver. It only carries the arrows. Change quiver to arrows.
Try a different word other than arrows and try to explain how they are. Show how they are. Also can twenty-one arrows fit in a quiver?
I don't understand this... and I don't like repetition of one, another suggestion put ellipces at the end of the stanza more effective.
Who is this HER is it personifying the bow? Seriously the structure of this poem doesn't help it at all.
Rather pathetic ending. From all you said, it ends just so half hearted.
Overall: My belief is you're not used to this type of structure and did it for school or something. I know you can do much better. So it's saddening you chose to try this structure. I see a wonderful idea wasted in a half hearted structure. I'm really extremely sorry this is so harsh. Hope this helps
Good luck
VSN
Don't end the sentence there. It's not complete.
Might work better as,
"He abides in the void
Aided by two-- his bow and his quiver."